sense of un-lived life
I have this deep sense of regret when I think about most of my teenage years and my twenties. It feels like I never 'did' anything.
I had a few nights out, but I never had the friends to do the holidays, the crazy parties or even the support of doing anything that wasn't sitting at home and playing video games.
This of course, isn't to make anyone feel like that's not how you can spend your life, it absolutely is and if you're happy about it, that's great - you should do what makes you happy.
The truth is, I'm only imagining what I've missed out because I've never experienced it, I could have tried it and hated it, I could have ended up taking an entirely different path because of some awful experience or event.
That's kind of the point though isn't it? It's a sense of an un-lived life.
I recently read this excellent post by prickly oxheart and it made me think about how easy it is to lament our choices and worry that we never picked the right path or did the right things.
Interestingly, the acronym for a sense of un-lived life, is 'soul'. Take from that what you will.
Perhaps this could bring new meaning to the words soulful and soulless?
I'm not sure, I do know that I no longer want to feel that I've missed out or that things haven't happened as they're supposed to have done.
Life is better felt in the present, rather than focusing on the past or the future.
As the article says: The alternative isn't to stop wanting things or to settle for less. The alternative is to let satisfaction happen. To notice when you're holding something real and stop looking over your shoulder.
Looking over your shoulder has become exhausting for me and I'm no longer willing to accept that I've wasted anything.
Things are what they are and I can only do with whatever is happening right at this moment. No more and no less.